I have been wanting to blog for over a decade now. I’ve had a few incredibly short-lived blogging attempts before, but never stuck with it. Mainly because I’m a perfectionist-procrastinator who could never seem to come up with the perfect blogging niche that I felt compelled or interested in writing about frequently. I’d have an idea for a blog, write a post, then come up with another idea I thought was better. I never gained traction on anything because “what if I had a better idea” paralyzed me from moving forward.
Then I got back into my faith when God called me to join the Catholic Church. Ever since then, I have wanted to share my experience learning and living the Catholic faith. I felt God calling me to write. Like I had finally found the topic he wanted me to write on. Then, of course, I put it off. For over a year.
Why did I put it off? Because my tendency towards perfectionist-procrastination reared its ugly head. Truth is, I was afraid. Perfectionism is frequently born out of fear: fear of failure and fear of success. Who was I to start writing about faith? I don’t have a theology degree. My field of study is in biology and history (and certainly not church history). I work in IT. So why on earth did I think I was qualified to speak about faith? What if I got something wrong? What if I wrote stuff that no one cared about? What if my efforts just went flat. On the other hand, what if my writing was successful? What if I built up an audience? Then I’d have an obligation to that audience. What if I let them down? Also, what if God wasn’t really calling me to do this but it was just my own ego wanting to be important?
The list goes on. Basically, I was letting my own anxiety and perfectionism get in the way of doing what I believe God called me to do. At least, what I think God is calling me to do. And if he is calling me to do this, then all I need to do is give it my all and let him take care of the rest. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
I’m reminded of Moses who didn’t want to be God’s spokesperson to Pharaoh. He had all kinds of excuses. Like me. God used him anyway. God can use any of us. We just have to be willing to show up and let him work through us.
My verse going forward for this blog is Matthew 10:19 (RSCVE): “When they deliver you up, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say; for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” This is what Jesus told the Apostles to prepare them for their ministry and persecution. I find it a good reminder that God often gives us what we need when we need it and not before.